#1: Barack Tabbouleh Allah Falafel Pita Bread Baklava Hussein Obama

It is November 4, 2008, and on this special day we come to the top of our list. The number one thing that Ethnics today like is a person named Barack Allah Tabbouleh Falafel Pita Bread Hussein Baklava Obama, or as he will become on January 20, 2009, the president of the United States of America.

The last eight years convinced us that our greatest hope for ethnic progress were Ugly Betty and with all the recent advancements in geriatric medicine, Oprah living until the year 2100. But now, our new president has shown us a new way.

Until recently, we were a bit cynical about the state of Ethnics in the U.S. With our $40,000 in student loan debt, our own dreams of changing the future of this country were shattered. As much as our hardworking parents made us promise never to ask “you want fries with that?” for money after the age of 21, we had no choice but to fulfill our ethnic destinies once again, thanks to our good friend, Citibank.

Admittedly, the original plan for attending our first Obama rally was to capitalize upon the high number of hot and available campaign volunteers more than willing to talk to us, but before we knew it, our icy cold hearts melted, and we realized that we really did want to retire before the age of 90, and that a flu shot once in a while would be nice.

And with this, even before our president takes office, when hugs will be the new currency, lilies will grow in Watts, and Baklava and Cracklings will be served on the same all-American buffet table, we say thank you, President Obama, for changing what we thought of our world.

#11: Thinking They’re the Best Dancers Around

An ethnic dance competition in New York City (NYTimes.com).

Latina: Fool, what are you doing? That ain’t merengue!

Asian: Racist!

Black Guy in the background:  Sigh…my ethnicity should be the only one allowed to dance.

This dialogue as represented by the picture above pretty much confirms what all Ethnics believe in their hearts to be true: that their ethnicity produces best dancers, period. Be it a hip-hop club, a rave or a salsa competition, an ethnic of any kind will insist on his or her own culture’s dance moves as opposed to what is appropriate according to his or her surroundings. This is part of the reason that night clubs are often segregated-because scenes like the one above create such heavy racial tension and misunderstanding.

This kind of ethnic competition usually leads to another staple of  ethnic clubbing: the parking  lot fight. This event provides further entertainment for  club-goers as they munch on  bacon hot dogs into the remainder of the night, raising their arms in the air like guns until someone is encouraged to pull out an actual weapon and conclude the evening.

#432: Arguing with Republicans

Elizabeth Hasselbeck defended John McCain’s campaign ad that compared Barack Obama to celebrities like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton (see below). Whoopi Goldberg replied that the ad was “beneath McCain.”

In non-TV land, these arguments are usually futile, yet Ethnics love indulging in them.  And although both sides think they’re facilitating change, the thoughts going through their heads as they are speaking usually prevent any sort of compromise:

Ethnic Democrat: “Silly rich white person speaking lalalala I can’t hear you- go on, just keep talking you racist. Wonder if I’ll have Subway for lunch.”

White Republican: “Another overemotional angry ethnic speaking lalalala I can’t hear you- go on, keep talking. You’re the real racist. Wonder if I’ll have Subway for lunch.”

And two hours later, the two are at the same Subway across the street, and the cycle continues.

This is an example of the ethnic love for arguing with a white Republican anywhere in the vicinity. These fights happen in college classrooms and coffee shops across the country, and they’re a bit masochistic since the ethnic Democrat ends up with a big migraine at the end. But so does the Republican, which makes the five-hour argument worth it.

This is the original ad that launched a million more arguments:

#47: 4th of July

The 4th of July, which would be called “Let’s Blow Sh*t Up Month” if the average ethnic male had his way, is the Ethnic male’s favorite American holiday. In most ethnic neighborhoods, whether full of immigrants or natural-born citizens, Independence “Day” usually begins on June 22 and ends on or around July 22 as scores of Ethnic men and boys celebrate being able to live in the U.S. by buying as many illegal fireworks as possible and blowing them up for as long as they can despite the risk of deportation and hurting children, grandmas and aunties in the vicinity.

The great ethnic celebration of this patriotic holiday is only natural. The 4th of July reminds them of their own holidays such as Dias de Los Muertos and Diwali, which also integrate fire into a celebration of life. And whether an Ethnic loves or hates living in America, he can finally express his emotions without hurting anybody but his closest friends and family members. And the authorities can attribute his gigantic arsenal of fireworks to just loving the good ‘Ole US of A so damn much.

Ethnic Newswatch: Bush Admires Filipino Cooking Talent

“I am reminded of the great talent of the — of our Philippine Americans when I eat dinner at the White House….”
- George Bush, while speaking to Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, the Filipino president, during her U.S. visit.

Bush was referring to White House chef Cristeta “Cris” Comerford, a U.S. citizen who is originally from the Philippines. He went on to say that “the chef is a great person and a really good cook, by the way.”

We are impressed with our president’s knowledge of Filipino cooking talents. He could have also mentioned the more important Filipino talent of karaoke, but we can only expect so much from a Yale graduate. It’s no Harvard, after all.

-N.K.

#62: Hating Each Other

There is one kind of person that Ethnics hate even more than The Man: The Other Ethnic Man.

Hispanics vs. Blacks, Chinese vs. Japanese, everybody vs. Arabs- Ethnic people love a good fight, especially when it’s between each other.

The most hated people  in the west today are Arab, and other Ethnics love to join in on anti-Arab hate since it helps them bond with their white comrades and gives more Ethnics an opportunity to assert their patriotism.

However, as fun as it is, Arab hate can often lead to embarrassment when an Ethnic confuses any brown person, who could be Indian or even Latino, for a terrorist nut job. Just ask an airport security officer if he has caught any Arabs lately, and he will turn red (on the inside) and hang his own brown head in shame.

Inter-ethnic hate also flourishes in western countries, particularly in the U.S., because ethnic competition to gain equality with the white majority is fierce, and not just during affirmative action week at the college admissions office.

For example, some Black people don’t like recent Hispanic immigrants because they could be “taking jobs and political power” away from them. This makes sense since everyone wants to achieve the American Dream of a crowded house full of adults unable to apply for driver licenses.

And Hispanics return the favor- during the recent Democratic primary election the majority of the Hispanic vote went to a white woman who said the black candidate didn’t understand poor “hard-working Americans, white Americans.” However, the black candidate was raised by a poor, hard-working American.

“I don’t get it- I thought Puerto Ricans were practically half black,” said one confused black man we interviewed said after the Puerto Rican leg of the primary.

Ethnics also fall for the white belief that Black people are the source of all crime, which is perpetuated by media and popular music. We have five words for these people: NBC’s “To Catch a Predator.”

And who wouldn’t target Indians considering the number of jobs being shipped overseas? It’s much easier to complain about a country where 28 percent live under the world poverty line than to demand better education from one’s own government. However, one has to remember that to insult the homeland of chicken curry is just plain ungrateful. Then there are Asians, who are victims of ethnic hate because of the Asian “model minority” stereotype, which has recently been proven false.

As much as white people in the higher ranks of government and media might have nightmares of ethnics fighting to take over the western world, Ethnics are more than happy to ease those fears by just fighting with each other.

Inspiring Ethnic Friday: Jeff Oliver

Name: Jeff Oliver

Claim to Fame:
-Ran a “Meet a Black Guy” booth at a farmer’s market in Corvallis, Oregon.

Why he is so inspirational: Oliver used humor to make a statement about diversity in his town while breaking stereotypes and forcing white people and their children to meet a black guy. Although many residents in this granola city are “voting for Obama for president,” many might not have met an actual black guy.

“I guess I don’t care what color people are. Either you’re a jerk or you’re not,” one person at the farmer’s market said.

Some people, like Oliver’s friend, who is in a wheelchair, were just offended and called the booth “low class” and “unnecessary.” He went on to add that he wouldn’t make a booth for people in a wheelchair.

We here at SEPL applaud Oliver’s efforts to challenge ignorance with unique humor and guilt, a combination that is usually difficult to master. He has given us many ideas that could even work in bigger cities with people of all races. We can’t wait until we run a “Meet an Indian” booth in Watts.

(Thanks SWPL)

#194: Big Pimpin’- On Any Budget

All ethnic males dream of someday becoming pimps– wealthy,  jewelry clad men who sell women’s vaginas for a living.

Despite what popular rappers like Jay-Z might imply, many ethnics can’t afford a successful pimp’s lifestyle. However, there is no shortage of fancy cell phones, flashy jewelry and designer clothing in the average young ethnic male’s bedroom, which is usually in his parent’s house. No matter what his budget, a young ethnic male is determined to find a way to look like a pimp.

Razmik Hartunian’s “Brow Down” is a prime example of the wannabe pimp.  Hartunian speaks for his fellow ethnic men with his ethnic pride, car full of loud men with even louder jewelry, calling women “bitches,” and buying things at the mall- on a budget. This is all  in a video most likely produced with his dad’s camcorder and directed by his 15-year-old cousin.

Breaking News: Not All Asians Are Smart

One common ethnic stereotype in western society is that of the Asian-American as the “Model Minority,” meaning that Asians receive higher than average standardized test scores and are more accomplished in maths, sciences and playing classical instruments than everyone else.

According to the New York Times, a new study by New York University, the College Board and Asian community leaders sheds light on the actual  truth of the matter. It turns out that not all Asians are smart.

The study discovered that some Asians never become valedictorians, or even salutatorians, and it shatters the harrowing expectations that Asians face to achieve more success than the average Joe, Jonelle, Juan or Janaknandini.

“Our goal…is to have people understand that the population is very diverse,” Professor Teranishi, one of the researchers in the study, said.

The most startling find of the study was that “contrary to stereotype, most of the bachelor’s degrees that Asian-Americans and Pacific Islanders received in 2003 were in business, management, social sciences or humanities, not in the STEM fields: science, technology, engineering or math,” and that that “more Asian-Americans and Pacific Islanders were enrolled in community colleges than in either public or private four-year colleges.”

The study finally sheds light on such Asian conundrums like Tila Tequila, the nymphomaniacal Asian bisexual, and Kohng Koy Kahn Souphanousinphone, an Asian Texan who somehow manages to be more clueless than his hillbilly neighbors. We at SEPL always wondered how these two managed to escape honors Calculus in high school.

The article also states that being the model minority works against such a broad ethnic group, and that such expectations neglect other issues such as “poverty and academic struggles,” and some Asians are even held to “higher academic standards” than their white counterparts.

Yes, it’s true- the children of the owners of your local Korean coffee shop aren’t hiding math books under the counter, plotting revenge as you whine about the calories in boba.

We would like to thank the College Board and NYU for explaining the possibility of Asian shortcomings to the white readers of New York Times. We look forward to their study on the truth about Indians.

Inspiring Ethnic Friday: Padma Perkish

Name: Padma Perkish

Claim to Fame:
- Your friendly Indian Pharmacist.
- Her beautiful voice makes “anal leakage” sound as tasty as gulab jamun.

Why she is so inspiring: Padma is so fair and lovely that she makes us want to take Viagra after listening to her beautiful Bollywood song. With her Punjabi choreography, traditional beats and Gujarati dress, Padma manages to represent all of India while pleasing her customers in Oakridge, Tennessee. Padma makes Indian Ethnics proud of their superior pharmaceutical and dance performance skills, and she lights the way for Indian pharmacists everywhere who wish to be accepted by their American small-town neighbors. And with her sagely advice, Padma also proves why Indians are the most effective and entertaining medical professionals.

To get more pharmaceutical advice from Padma, click here.